It Takes a Village—But We Bulldozed It: How Car Dependency Broke Communities for Parents and Non-Parents Alike

I ran across a comment on an instagram reel by Diane Alisa about parenting in suburbia and felt it needed a more thorough response.

I ran across a comment on an instagram reel by Diane Alisa about parenting in suburbia and felt it needed a more thorough response — not a never-ending instagram conversation where every talks past each other. Here’s the comment, which since was deleted by the author:

I’m not sure what you want here? Like from society? You did choose to have a baby. What do you want the general public to do? Be the village? Not everyone wants children. They actively decided against that and shouldn’t be forced to help or “be kind” when they’re stuck in a plane with a screaming child/baby the mother/father is ignoring. Or are you asking for government help with child care? I’m sure you’ll say grave but how much grace can one give when stuck in a loud disruptive environment with a child that’s not theirs?

This commenter is not alone in their thoughts. In today’s world, people are often placed in situations where they are expected to accommodate children without necessarily feeling any communal connection to them. That can be frustrating, especially in settings like a plane where personal comfort is limited.

But let’s take a step back—why do these situations feel so adversarial in the first place? Historically, American communities were built around a village-like structure where multiple generations coexisted in shared spaces, and interdependence was the norm rather than the exception. Parents weren’t raising kids in isolation, and people without children weren’t expected to engage with them in disruptive, forced ways because there were natural structures in place that allowed for both balance and distance.

The suburban experiment—one that prioritizes car dependency, isolation, and rigid nuclear family living—has made parenting much harder than it needs to be. It forces parents to rely almost entirely on themselves, with limited access to walkable public spaces, extended family, or a support network. At the same time, people who don’t have kids end up in situations where they’re expected to tolerate children in awkward, poorly designed environments (like planes, instead of, say, public squares, parks, or communal transit hubs that are built with families in mind).

When we talk about "bringing back the village," it's not about forcing people to help raise kids—it’s about designing communities that naturally foster connection, shared public resources, and a greater sense of balance. Walkable, human-scaled neighborhoods with shared green spaces, local businesses, and accessible public transit make it easier for parents to be present and engaged with their children while also preventing situations where non-parents feel unfairly burdened.

Ultimately, ending car dependency and restoring community-centered living isn’t just about helping parents; it’s about making life more enjoyable for everyone. It reduces stress, increases social trust, and allows people to interact in ways that feel organic rather than obligatory. If we want to live in a world where people don’t feel trapped with screaming kids in spaces that weren’t designed for families, we need to rethink the way we build our communities in the first place.